Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

Roses are red, you always mattered,

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.