I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
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Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next