I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
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In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Okay me first
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women