I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
You Might Also Like
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
there has never been a better use of this meme
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.