I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
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spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
My birth announcement for our third baby
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.