I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
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“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
So the ex texted me
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Brb my Sims are getting married
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.