I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
You Might Also Like
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.