I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
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My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then