I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
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JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Do not levitate over flowers
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Me :
All Day At Night
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume