Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dad has had enough

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.