I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
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If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby