Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.