i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
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It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path