Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.