i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
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ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas