i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
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I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
U talkin 2 me?
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Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.