I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
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ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?