@Jandalize

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

You Might Also Like

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

@drinksmcgee

Jurassic Park (1993)

A ragtag gang of dinosaurs attempt a wacky prison break after an evil businessman tries to force gender roles on them.

@HomeWithPeanut

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

@KimDotcom

“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”

– Albert Einstein

@tigersgoroooar

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

@MaybePileJokes

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

@farouq_yahaya

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

@CeciMula

I JUST ASKED SIRI IF A CERTAIN BOY WOULD EVER TEXT ME AND SHE SENT A TEXT SAYING WILL YOU EVER TEXT ME TO HIM. My funeral will be held at 8pm this Thursday.

@WheelTod

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”