Pee pressure > peer pressure
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
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ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Jurassic Park (1993)
A ragtag gang of dinosaurs attempt a wacky prison break after an evil businessman tries to force gender roles on them.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”
– Albert Einstein
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I JUST ASKED SIRI IF A CERTAIN BOY WOULD EVER TEXT ME AND SHE SENT A TEXT SAYING WILL YOU EVER TEXT ME TO HIM. My funeral will be held at 8pm this Thursday.
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”