@Jandalize

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

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@morethanMI5

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

@EJGomez

[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”

@ojedge

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

@reallifemommy3

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

@hammbone84

[Tornado siren blaring]

Wife: Let’s go to the basement.

Me: There will be no line at Pizza Hut buffet.

Wife:

Me: I’ll bring you a salad.

@stevevsninjas

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

@joshfadem

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.