I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
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If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Day 2 of my diet
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Investing in beetcoin