I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
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“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.