I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
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I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
who wore it better?
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again