I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
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It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.