Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”