I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
You Might Also Like
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally