I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
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“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.