Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

he chose this

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

💁🏻‍♂️

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

mood

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.