I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
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I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we