Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

Me in tagged photos

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.