I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
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Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.