Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

“i am a sweet baby”

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.