Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”