I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
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I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
My new favorite headline
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
This is my pinned tweet
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.