Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.