Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

why neck hurt

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

ah yes….my favourite videogame

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.