I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
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My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
“How’s your day going?”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.