I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Pigeon open mic night.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL