[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
You Might Also Like
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Blew my mind.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
The glockness monster
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly