I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
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If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.