I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
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Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
sistine chapel
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.