Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.