I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
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Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
accurate
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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