I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
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If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
being a writer on Twitter:
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.