I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
You Might Also Like
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Bruh 😂
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.