I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
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Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Thank you for sharing that story with us, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go boil my soul.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A