Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

😁

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.