I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
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Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.