Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own