I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
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My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
real
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.