I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
You Might Also Like
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.