I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
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me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
So we got a goldfish…
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
From Facebook just now…
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
“just sayin” who asked you though?
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.