I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
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I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Lassie, get help!
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.