I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
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reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
when mom throws a party…
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”