I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
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Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…