Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

[House Hunters]:

Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

I am all good here, 😂😉

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.