I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
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Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
