make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
You Might Also Like
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Y’all ready for this
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.