doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
How do you milk an almond?
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]