@thenatewolf

I saw a woman with the same haircut as me the other day and I wanted to be like “Same haircut!” but I didn’t because no matter what kind of day she’s having she doesn’t need that right now.

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@MelvinofYork

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

@JerpsBerps

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

@Moemontes

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

@ClichedOut

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

@laurascaz

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

@juneohara65

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

@Hellaphantitis

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

@alexlumaga

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

@justokdane

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt