Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

Kids: Stay in school.

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

Here’s a meme

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!