I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
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“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”