I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
cat vs inanimate object
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.