I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
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Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.