Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

The “baby” on the left….