I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
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When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
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Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
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Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
For the ones in the back.
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In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit