I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
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Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
How can I say no to this ?
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
Maths meets science
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?