I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
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Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.