I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
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There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Birds & Planes.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
never compromise your values
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable