I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
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Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.