I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
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Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Shortcut
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.