I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
You Might Also Like
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.