I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
You Might Also Like
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
This is me 🤣🤣
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling