Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.