Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

blocked.

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.