Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

And bowling should be called pinball

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

He just like my cat fr