Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

This could be us but you eatin’

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.