Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

Split the bill

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

I only treason on days ending in y

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

*looks at you in batman voice*

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.