Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

What.

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

this is uni

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then