Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.