Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

A collection of me turning into random objects.

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy