I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
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Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5