Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?