Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep